"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My ass is underappreciated
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
