I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize