I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
