a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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