I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
