just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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