I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
