the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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