I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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