Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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