I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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