you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
