can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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