I wish you could order shots online.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You are a genius and a whore.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize