Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
