i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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