I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
