My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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