im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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