And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
