you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize