my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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