What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
