Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
