I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
