I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
