i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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