you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
