the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
