I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
