Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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