I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
