Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
