I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
