i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize