I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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