Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
