just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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