It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
