I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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