so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
