Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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