Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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