So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
