I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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