I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
