i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
