The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
we're so committed to being not committed
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize