I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
