Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
