i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
