i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
