Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize