1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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